Led by fear…

I am going to tell you a secret and I hope you can be honest with me in return. I have been led by fear for years, decades even. The majority of my friends and family would never agree, they would say that I do pretty much whatever I want whenever I want to. They don’t know that most of what I do, I literally force myself to do it. And that is after many days, weeks, months of saying I’ll do it and then talking myself out of it. Or the other way around, I think of something I want to do and make myself do it straightaway without putting any thought into it and losing out financially. All just so fear won’t stop me from experiencing something. FOMO???

Last year my partner and I went to Greece to find a sailboat to spend a few months sailing in the Mediterranean. Sounds good right? Well, it’s my partner’s dream, I never in my entire life ever thought of going sailing not even for a day cruise. In fact, I didn’t and still don’t have the urge to go on a cruise. The only reason I get on boats is if I need to catch a ferry to an island.

Anyway, we were in Greece for about six weeks before we found a boat we were willing to purchase. Was I excited? For my partner to live his dream? Yes. But I had had some little (just little) thoughts cross my mind that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if the right boat didn’t come along. He’d get over it, right?

Now I had to go through with it and live on a sailboat for at least three months and sail/motor across large expanses of water… it’s nice a calm in the Med, isn’t it? The conversations I had with myself in the mirror, you’d think I was crazy. I kept telling myself there was no land too far that I couldn’t swim to it.

The other alternative, leaving my partner scared me even more. I guess my choice was made.

So now I live on a sailboat in the Med for six months of the year, sounds great yeah? Not the daily arguments because of things “I can’t do”.

The list of things that scare me:

Taking control of the boat,

Falling off the boat,

Falling into the water while getting into the dinghy,

Using the dinghy on my own,

Sailing in bad weather,

Going to the top of the mast,

Running into something with the boat,

Being blown onto the rocks (again),

Hard work… I’m not a physically strong person 🤷🏻‍♀️

Should I be afraid of all these things? Most of them are insignificant and won’t hurt me or kill me, I mean I can swim and I’ve been halfway up the mast and it was kind of fun. The fear comes from not being good at something instantly (confidence)and having to work at it. Is it laziness? No, I’m just not interested or motivated to want to do it. Why I’m going to make myself do it? Not only to help my partner with the responsibilities of owning a boat and living on it but to grow into a more confident person.

Trusting in your Self to learn something new is possibly the hardest thing we can do but the most rewarding.


4 Comments on “Led by fear…”

  1. Pingback: Fear no longer controls me… – I am Maleena Eve

  2. I think it’s great you were able to that for your partner! My mum for a long time loved the idea of going around in a caravan for a couple of weeks and unfortunately my Dad just did not want too so she so far has never gone. Me and my sister can’t go because we have jobs so it’s a bit sad really, so it’s fantastic that you were able to go with him! I do hope perhaps she’ll be able to do it with one of her friends at some point.

    • You Mum should get a small camper van and go on her own and meet others that do it as well at the camping sites. Don’t want to miss out.
      I do it as much for myself as my partner. Without travel I don’t know what I’d do. Travel is so important to me that I will find a way to do it. This year before going on the boat we spent 2 weeks in London, I couldn’t afford accommodation so I signed up to do house/pet sitting. I got a house to stay in for a week and a gorgeous dog to hangout with.
      Thank you for your comment 😊

      • Yes definitely, that sounds like a good idea and wow! That’s one way to be able to afford accommodations! I never thought about something like that before as a way to travel, that’s pretty cool 🙂

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