I have just finished a 7 day writing challenge called Dare to Express with Jolie Dawn author of Empowered, Sexy and Free. The challenge for me is overcoming the fear of sharing My Story with you, but realising that by sharing My Story I could potentially help others. Whether that is just one person or millions, if I only help you my lovely subscriber then I have fulfilled my purpose.
This particular story triggers feelings of guilt because of the way I never took responsibility for my own journey, I took the easy way and allowed others to dictate how my life should look. The beliefs bestowed upon me my whole life gave me a template to follow and I never thought about why I personally had these beliefs, I just did.
I am sharing a very rough draft of part of my story with you in this blog post, if you would like to hear more of it please subscribe to my newsletter at the end of this post.
I hope my story helps you through your story.
Pretending to be someone you are not may allow you to avoid conflict and losing people you love but you will lose yourself. Be yourself ALWAYS. If you don’t like something, say no thank you. If you really want to do something and others are telling you that you shouldn’t go and do it. (Disclaimer I do not condone putting yourself or others in danger).
I had it all. I’d been told that I had runway model looks, being skinny in the late 90s was what every young woman strived for and it came naturally to me. I didn’t have to pay rent because I had moved back home to my parents’ house. I had just started a new job in an office, so I felt very grown up. I was surrounded by friends who always had time for me and a fiancé who was very pleased to marry me, in fact I believed he really couldn’t possibly do better. My parents loved me and they were paying for my wedding and they had secured us a place to live. Life was easy. I sound like a spoilt brat, right?
I also didn’t like conflict, or having to explain why I wanted to something. I was having sex out of wedlock and every night before I went to sleep, I would pray to God and ask for forgiveness so that I would not go to hell if I died during the night. I was sneaking around, lying to my parents where I was if I didn’t come home on the weekend. I lied about being a smoker and I had to watch every word that came out of my mouth. I went to church every Sunday morning and when I didn’t, I made up a story about where I was so that I didn’t have yet another yelling match with my mother or have my father quote bible verses to me. I was a 21-year-old woman who didn’t bother to think for herself or ask for what she wanted because she knew what the reaction or answer would be. Why is a 21-year-old woman not doing whatever the fuck she likes?
I lived with constant guilt, anxiety and fear of forgetting to pray for my sins, to the point of waking in the middle of the night and praying again. I was imprisoned by 21 years of Pentecostal church beliefs and never being a good enough Christian, therefore never truly worthy of love. I believed that once I was married everything would be fine because I wasn’t committing a sin anymore. I would finally be FREE!
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