Looking back is a curse…

And so the story continues

I met a lovely kind young man when I went to a club with my friends one night. I can see where I ruined not only my life but a very good mans life too. Looking back is a curse.

I can clearly see now that I chose him because his friend was taken and my friend wanted him. The challenge, competition and making someone jealous was always my favorite game when out clubbing. I enjoyed the attention even if it wasn’t good or good for me. Young and stupid, selfish and inconsiderate.

This led to me marrying 21 months later. On the wedding day there were signs I was doing the wrong thing. I asked the driver to go around the block while I calmed myself down, my father told me I could change my mind until I said “I do”. And then when I stepped out of the limousine in front of the church a passerby yelled “SUCKED IN!” 

What did I do??? I ignored all of it. I’m a stubborn bitch. 

Has anyone else done shit like this? Am I the only one? Please let me know. Leave a comment.

E.

Should I make the long story shorter?

I’ve been struggling with sharing my past , not from shame but I feel like it could turn into a very long drawn out story of my life.

But I also feel like there needs to be an explanation of how I got here.

E.

Today…

It’s difficult to be at work today. I’m tired…

E.

Today…

I’m having a very bad day… so emotional and the one I love is the one copping my craziness. 

E.

Not thinking for yourself…the pain it can cause

I wish I knew this years ago!!!

I always did what was “right” by everyone else’s standards. Ever heard of WWJD? What Would Jesus Do… well it was more like “how can I do this and make my parents/church happy and keep them off my back?”

I just wanted to live and do what other people my age were doing, their parents didn’t question where they stayed the night or tell them they got sick whenever they had sex or that the sins they had done were being passed down the generations.

GUILT, GUILT, GUILT

At 18 I got a boyfriend who my parents would not approve of, I had to ask him to church and then the church prayed for him to make him believe in God. I was so embarrassed but I also thought if he at least looked like he was starting to believe then I’d get away with having sex. About a year into our relationship I told him we had to get married, so we got engaged. 18!!!!

After a few months my fiancé told me he never wanted children and I decided I wanted something different, so I broke up with him .  Last I heard he is an atheist.

3 months later I told God that the next guy I met would be it. And that night out with my friends I met him ( the father of my children).

This post seems to dragging out… am I just rambling???

E.

Today…

My sleep last night was horrible, my body hurt every time I turned. I feel like I was tossing and turning every few minutes but it could’ve been hours. I’m not sure but having to wake up to the alarm at 4am to start work at 6am was not nice. I also had an hour drive ahead of me. 

Sleep has always been important to me, I’m one of those who needs the 8 hours beauty sleep every night. 

I guess once I get my stress under control, I’ll sleep better and my body won’t hurt as much.

Your thoughts?

E.

Today…

Finding out why I’m tired all of the time…

I’m sitting at the pathologist waiting for my blood test. I’ve had to fast, no food, no liquid, not even allowed to brush my teeth because of the sweet taste. They are checking my cortisol levels AM and PM today…

I’m a total wuss when it comes to blood tests, I have to lay down to have it done . I think the nurse gets annoyed because the vein is harder to find when you lay down. Even as I sat in the room waiting for the nurse to label things , I saw how many vials she got out and that’s when I start to lose color in my face:S . I should be getting used to it but every time I need a blood test it is the same. Am I the only one who has this problem?

Other tests included were for Ross River Fever , Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

To be honest I’m quite terrified of returning for another blood test this afternoon.

E.

Today…

This is where I share what is currently happening in my journey to discovering who Ms Eve is. While still sharing how I got here in much lengthier posts.

Today I visited my doctor yet again to find out why I am always tired (I’ve been tired for 3 1/2 years). We’ve ruled out pernicious anemia (not absorbing vitamin B12), gluten intolerance, thyroid problems, sickle cell disease, crohns and chronic fatigue. It looks like I suffer from PTSD-post traumatic stress syndrome, which in turn causes depression and anxiety (you would never guess it as I show no stereotypical signs). I find it not surprising after all I’ve been through but still really annoying that it lingers. I’m sure many of you understand this.

Anyway, I will keep you updated as I learn more.

E.

Starting from the beginning… part two

I guess I became scared and insecure about whether people would still love me if they knew the truth …

Doing what was “right”

I was never one of those children who pushed the boundaries very far. The boundaries I pushed were like watching tv instead of doing my chores or homework, going to the shops on the way home from school instead of going straight home… we were latchkey children, so our parents wouldn’t have known what we did in the afternoon before they got home from work. We could have been such naughty children but we knew our limits and our parents limits.

I did my school work and my chores because it was expected (the same in all households). 

Finished high school with average grades. 

Time to move out!!! So I didn’t have to do things because I lived under my parents roof.

I moved out, I got a job and I still did what my parents wanted, I was too scared not to go to church every Sunday or youth group on Saturday nights. I would have to deal with the conflict and it was too hard to argue.

There is more to come, but I’d like to know if anyone else has led a life similar to mine. Please leave a comment.

E.


Starting from the beginning …part one

This one is going to take a while…

Well unlike The Eve of Creation, I started life like everyone else, being born into a loving family. I was the first child for a religious couple in the late 70’s. A father who was raised by two very dysfunctional parents and a mother raised by very strict European Christian parents.

The time when choice didn’t really matter

My earliest memories are of being in church surrounded by sounds of hymns and prayer, then playing with the other children in the car park of the church grounds. This was the fun times. Family (quite a few members of the church were my immediate family, aunts, uncles and cousins), friends and new faces around all the time, for a young child this was exciting. 

The time I realized there were choices but it was easier to do what others thought was best for me

At the time, probably around the age of 12, I had no  idea I was doing it but I started to worry about what others thought about me, especially my parents and the church. I started saying yes to things I really didn’t believe in and really didn’t want to be a part of. And when it came to performing in front of people (choir, plays, narrating) I hated it and became so stressed about trying to look the part and not letting people see the real me. I became this girl who stayed under the radar, didn’t take risks ( accept fight with my sister or watch tv instead of doing homework). I did subjects at school that were mainstream (good subjects for a girl). Many decisions were made for me, I stopped fighting it and just accepted others knew what was better for me. This is where I tell you that parents do their best and do it from love and from experience. I’m not telling you this to blame my parents or others in my past. People do what they can.

To be continued…

E.